91 - Freedom

If you’re listening to this the day it publishes, Happy Fourth of July if you live in the States. When we think of July Fourth, two words most commonly come to mind: independence and freedom. I want to talk about the latter today, especially in regards to dating. As I work with people on having courage and confidence to date, especially in our membership, Dating Made Easier, I’m reminded of all the ways freedom plays a role in dating. The freedom I’m talking about is mostly the freedom we give ourselves.

In coaching and teaching people, especially people with disabilities, on the social and emotional skills needed for dating and relationship success, I’m reminded of how for a very long time I was not free. I was held back by a lot of fear and concern about what people thought of me and my disability in the dating scene.

Today I want to share with you the freedoms that I wish for you in dating that I denied myself for years. When I finally gave myself these freedoms, like magic, my husband came into my life. But…it wasn’t magic at all. It was me realizing how much my thinking and belief system was ultimately the biggest barrier to me getting what I wanted.

As I go through these freedoms, I encourage you to ask yourself “Is this a freedom I need to give myself?” As you mull that over, also ask yourself, “Is this something I’m waiting for others to give me permission to do or believe?” I think in my case I was silently seeking permission for these freedoms from every guy I dated or was interested in. Don’t do that. Don’t wait for others to give you permission to be the person you long to be. If you do, you’ll be waiting a long time.

I wish for you freedom to not care about making others comfortable with your disability. News flash, they won’t be, at least not at first. That’s okay. It’s not about you.  It’s just something their brain and their heart hasn’t wrapped itself around. Your comfort with yourself and your disability will be their greatest guide.

I wish for you freedom to see yourself as a desirable partner and to focus on all the amazing qualities that make you that way. For way too long I was focused on imagining the barriers that potential dates saw in me, mainly because of my disability. This only left me feeling unattractive and lonely. It was when I placed my energies on my strengths that others saw that too.

I wish for you freedom to not be so intimidated by rejection. Rejection is a fact of life, my friends. This is doubly true in dating and relationships. I spent so many years alone because I was just so afraid of the hurt that accompanies rejection. Yes rejection definitely hurts and no one wants to experience it, but when we go through life trying to protect ourselves from the pain of rejection, we’re not taking the risks to really be alive and pursue the life we long for. The pain of denying yourself your own dreams is much worse than any rejection.

My next freedom wish for you is connected to rejection. It’s the freedom to take risks. We usually avoid taking risks to keep us safe. Now when we’re talking about our physical safety, avoiding risks can be a very good thing because it may keep us out of danger. But when we’re afraid to reach more, pursue our dreams, or challenge ourselves to grow because we’re afraid of getting emotionally hurt or being rejected, that’s when we begin to limit our very own potential. To me this is one of the damaging things you can do to yourself and you life.

Lastly, I wish for you freedom to unapologetically be yourself and to trust that if they don’t get that, they’re simply not your people and you would be very unhappy if you ended up with them. Most of us learn this the hard way by getting into relationships that dissolve into regular fights, constant disappointment, and misery that slowly eats away at our peace of mind.

There you go. The freedom to not care about the comfort of others about your disability, to see yourself as a desirable partner, to not be so intimidated by rejection, to take risks, and unapologetically be yourself. Those are the freedoms I wish for you, my friend.

If you feel you need support and encouragement in discovering these freedoms for yourself, I invite you to join us inside Dating Made Easier, to get the support and coaching from me and the community of others to get the results you want in dating and relationships. Just go to RadiantAbilities.com and check out the membership info.

Resources

Check out our Dating Memberships

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.