5 Essential Principles for Coping with Disability

“Kathy, can you come and talk to our support group about your life?”

“Absolutely,” I answered, because I simply adore the David Clark Learning Center (DCLC), a true gem of a program in our community. DCLC is a day program for people with Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI) offering “opportunities for TBI survivors to explore their capacity for learning within a supportive, member-directed environment.” [From their website.]

But…..47 years (yes, now you know my age) of living with a disability. How on earth do I consolidate that into a one-hour chat?? Ummm…….

When I asked what was the biggest issue members of the support group were dealing with, the resounding answer was coping with a disability. Coping with a disability for me always carries two layers: One, coping with how difficult a disability can make life, and  two, coping with being different.

I figured out I have approximately 17,230 days so far of learning (over and over!) how to accept and then embrace these two fundamentals of life with a disability: it is hard and I’ll always be different.

Here’s the critical result of what happens to you when you learn to cope with your disability – you discover your purpose; life is still challenging, but more meaningful; and you see your difference as a gift, rather than a barrier.

What happened in these 17,000+ days that has led me to this conclusion? What are the driving principles of how I approach this miraculous gift of life, which also includes hardship and diversity?

I have boiled it down to five principles, included here with a very brief explanation of each. Over the next five weeks, I’ll take each one and break them down into manageable steps.

1. Your disability is most likely with you for life; make friends with it.

Rather than denying it, fighting it, or being angry at its existence in your life, see it as a natural and yes, beautiful part of you.

2. Allow yourself to feel ALL the feelings that come along with living with a disability.

You have got to honor all the feelings your disability causes you to have – fear, anger, jealousy, sadness, and even shame. By feeling these rough emotions, you eventually get to the other side: joy and peace.

3. Embrace your disability as part of who you  are and give back the shame.

You are not broken, you do not need to be fixed. You are indeed perfect the way you are. People may cause you to feel otherwise. It’s their own limits and beliefs in shame doing this. Don’t let others project this onto you.

4. Learn to  respectfully not care about the judgements of others; they don’t define you.

Human beings tend to judge what is different because it scares them and challenges their own limitations. Most people “cope” with this by attempting to put things in what they believe are neat categories, so they are removed from the threat of difference and can try to control through their judgments. Your job in coping with a disability is to respectfully (because the world is in so much need of kindness) remind people that you define yourself and don’t fit neatly into a category.

5. Take your disability along for the wonderful ride of  life.

You may believe differently from me on this, but I believe this life is our one shot. Why not do all you can do to fill it with love, happiness, and aliveness (living life fully)? To me, a disability should never get in the way of that, no matter how challenging it makes life.

Which of these five principles do you struggle with the most? Which one do you feel you excel at?